A Word to the Wise

I spent nearly thirteen years of my life with a controlling, manipulative abuser. We were active members of the church. He even attained a position as deacon. This was granted by the elders after I called them to counsel us on his affair and sexual addiction. I was baffled by them promoting him. They claimed that a man lives up to the position and expectations given him. To some extent this is true. During our time together, he did not act out socially, nor get more than a traffic ticket. He was an upstanding member of the community and did dedicate much time to church events and activity. His addictions and abusive behavior were well contained “mostly” within the walls of our home. All outward criminal convictions and allegations of serious sexual abuse arouse years after we separated, but he had separated himself from the community that we interacted with long before that.

I had to ask myself what I was personally willing to sacrifice to cater to the needs of a narcissistic and abusive spouse? The relationship was draining and all consuming. It’s hard to put in to words the daily and insidious abuse, and the effects are detrimental to health.

My ex-husband required no less than one hundred percent of my time, attention, and affections. He didn’t care if I was smiling, scared, or crying. If my focus was on him, all was right. We had two small children who needed me and I enjoyed teaching and consulting on occasion.

He didn’t understand my professional endeavors or research.  I recall him telling me that it “hurt his feelings” that I wanted to leave the house and spend life taking care of him and the family. I dedicated my daily time to cooking, cleaning, and loving all of them. But it was never enough, and he was quick to criticize and complain. When I grew past being affected by his insults, his abusive behavior increased to physical violence.

He would shut down all noncompliance with being louder or stronger than me.  In his opinion, he was never wrong.

When home became a place to escape, I booked monthly work events to consult out of town or country. Business travel helped to keep me sane and breathe freely a week out of the month. Home was not a safe or supportive place. Anyone paying to us at church during the last year would have seen my smile change, and then disappear. I did not want to shed him, or our family in a bad light. Especially because he was a leader in the church.

I suspect that to do what he does to women and children; he must be cold inside. He is on an endless and perpetual quest to feel something by severely affecting others. He likes being the center of attention on stage, but doling out intense pleasure or pain to weaker being really gets him off.

My advice to those who can do so is to get away and stay away from people like him, as they are a serious danger to your mental health, your freedom and your life.

Unfortunately, not everybody can easily separate themselves from abuse without severe consequences. Look at us. This is hard, and cost us EVERYTHING.

Staying in our children’s lives meant staying in the line of fire. And leaving subjected our children to abuses unimaginable to most parents. This chronic abuse with no created severe psychological damage to our children (our son specifically). He was hospitalized in Austin and was being treated for an emotional personality disorder. A week before the judge granted full custody to my ex-husband, our son was approved for special education services that he has undergone a month-long evaluation for. I had worked so hard to separate us from that man. And

To fully understand how horrible the impact of Borderline or Narcissist parent can be on a child, you’ll have to do some more reading as the topic.

Unfortunately, it is common for personality disordered abusers to get sole custody of children. The court’s inability to do its job at determining the truth places too many children in harm’s way. A life with a disordered pedophile, or a life on the run are no places for a child. But our justice system does a poor job in protecting the lives and freedoms of the abused.

Our children need and had a support system that included therapists, counselors, and medical professionals. All because of what they suffered at the hands of their own father. Yet this was ignored by the Riverside Family Court. I have theories as to why, but I won’t that now.

I have chosen to sacrifice my name and life to protect my children. They will not be subjected to decades of abuse. That is not the life I want for them. I have suffered through unending harassment, false allegations, false imprisonment, theft, and now criminal charges to keep them away from him. When will it end? Now.

He will stop at nothing to win. This has now become a fight for our very lives.

Courts seldom change their minds until the abuser continues to abuse and eventually cross some line such as physical assault, attempted murder, or actual murder. My ex is fundamentally a criminal of the worst sort. He has no remorse, guilt, or conscience. Add in the fact that he is devious and manipulative with the support of crooked cops and it becomes nearly impossble to detect his true nature.

But there are clues. His current girlfriend seems to offer the dedication and adulation that he desperately needs. And his three recent criminal convictions that include prostitution are smoke that lead to the fire. Look in to his finances and huge monthly cash deposits and things will not add up.

I however, have just tried to treat my children in a medical and therapeutic environment and separate them from harm. I am not a danger to anyone. But I am the sought-after criminal. It’s not funny. But I must laugh to keep from crying about this situation.

Why does this happen? In my view, judges and the government often these crimes in their incompetent and/or corrupt system of winners and losers. Judges almost across the board are incompetent to be making these. Many have no training in psychology and a lack of extended experience with the people involved. But the worst of these judges may have selfish reasons for their abusive decisions.

Our children must learn to set boundaries, fight emotional manipulation, and avoid abusive relationships. I will take the utmost care on who I allow into their home life.

If you don’t have children yet but are in a relationship with an abuser, get out now. Bringing children into a family like this will the family for generations to come.

If you know someone, perhaps yourself, who was trapped as a child living with a abusive or sociopathic parent, be sensitive to the risk of psychological problems they may have. Those who do not become abusers often find themselves with abusive people.

A couple of well-reviewed books written specifically for children of such parents are Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem and Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers.

I wish a wonderful future for us all.

Yours Truly,

~Angelina Villa

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